I can't get back on track.
Posted by Paula on 1/4/2020, 9:58 am
I feel like I'm on the 'verge' of having all the pieces in place but then I end up bingeing on sweets. I've had a couple 'almost there' days but can't string them together. When I went to the pool on Thursday, I thought I was back for real. I've gained almost 20 pounds back of the 35 I lost. My 16s don't fit so I'm down to two pairs of pants. My whole body hurts....all my joints, especially my elbows. |
Was riding high because my mood has been stable and I'd cut way back on my antidepressants. Then it hit me that gabapentin can be used to stabalize mood and decrease anxiety so, instead of being able to go off the other meds, I think I've just substituted them with the gaba. I was just putzing around the house when it dawned on me that gabapentin is the generic for Neurontin and that Neurontin can be used for mood issues. Will discuss with my shrink when I see him next week.
Insanity! I felt so proud of myself for getting into the 250s and then, OMG, the 240s...so very happy, hopeful and proud. The fall in the front yard over the summer just woke me up to the need to get healthy so I could take care of myself as I aged. The horrible pain that led to the surgery, emphasized that even more. I didn't have a doubt in my mind that I could/would do it.
Commitment was solid and it showed. Then, came the surgery which went well, in terms of the recovery and the emotional impact of going through it.
How short a memory I have. I can sit here and remember myself face down in the mud in my yard at 10PM with ribs dislocated and the pain that followed. I can remember (sort of) the pain that led to the surgery, the panic of thinking I would be alone and helpless. I can remember how wonderful I felt when I was eating healthy and doing all I could to contribute to less back and joint pain.
Now, here I am AGAIN! I know WW works. The blue plan is easy to follow. I'm still not working more than 23 hours or so so I have plenty of time to go to the gym. But the brain just won't CLICK! I am not going to go to WW meetings because I don't like them. When I've gone I just can't wait to get out and feel like running to my car.
And, as dumb as this may sound, I've been off since my 'go to' summer foods aren't available or don't appeal in the colder weather and I haven't found substitutes. I lived on cottage cheese, cantaloupe and peaches and I loved them and felt satisfied. Such an easy 'grab', too. Frozen and canned peaches are awful and I do know that I will be putting up a whole bunch of peaches next summer. You can even freeze cantaloupe even though that just sounds odd.
So, what you ladies can do for me is listen, not judge and cheer me on. As always, there is a lot of shame attached to being so out of control with food. SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMMM