Everything is hard. Bill is doing the best he can and Deborah is faithful with the daily antibiotics. They are giving me diarrhea.I'm only not in pain when I'm laying down but I don't like taking the pain meds because I have to have my wits about me. I knew coming home without a dedicated caregiver was going to be hard. It's not like I can just relax and he will know what to do. My house stinks from the cat box and something by the washer. It's a cluttered mess. I wish I could just let all that go and focus on healing.

I cry at the drop of a pin. I just need to see a little step forward . My back hurts worse than it did before the first surgery. I'm dirty. If it wasn't for the wound vac, Id be able to take part of a shower. This morning, I took my tee shirt and washed my front, boobs, pits, all around my neck with real soap and water.

It's difficult to learn you are a person without much will or stamina. I don't have it in me to go through this again. People fight through so much worse but I know now that's not me.

I'm getting maudlin. Maybe we'll laugh at this in the future. Maybe tomorrow will bring some hope


Love you