The easiest way to avoid regrets is to ask yourself this question, "If not now, when?" It's a powerful way to put life and our decisions about how we spend our time into perspective"
Couple things or, a COUPLE MESSES. Long
Posted by Paula on 3/25/2026, 10:09 pm
Typing this out on my phone so there will be errors
I underestimated Deborah and feel bad about it. First, Aida was great. Afterwards we went to the Jefferson Hotel...fanciest hotel in Richmond. We usually just get a drink or 2 and an appetizer.
I digress.
While at the restaurant, I don't even know how it started, but I ended up telling her how frustrated I am with the back and forth of trying to lose weight. She said that she knows it's an addiction like any other one. I never would have guessed she knew that and agreed with it. She went on to talk about how hard it was to stop smoking. She was surrounded by secondhand smoke growing up. John smoked heavily and so did she. I thought she had quit years ago and was surprised to hear she didn't stop until she was 60. Turning 70 this year.
Her mom died from lung cancer and, a few years ago, they found a nodule on her lung. Each year she had it checked and it hadn't changed much. THEN, she shared that she just had a scan and there are now multiple nodules and some are big. This is not good. My stomach sank. She doesn't know if the.doc will still take a wait and see approach or go for an MRI or biopsy. She is going to get two opinions. She is very scared. Her mom died at 70. She was more vulnerable with me than she has ever been. I mean amazingly so. She has no family except for 2 very old aunts, one in MD and the other in Israel. I know I am as close to her as anyone. She said she tries not to think about it but it's all she can think about. I get that. I will be there for her for whatever she needs. Without Carin, I would have no one who would stand by me if I became disabled or really sick but, I have close friends and neighbors who love me and who I can share with. I don't think she has anyone else. That kind of aloneness takes my breath away. She sees the doc on Monday.
Then, my oh my. Last night, Carin opened up and said things are a disaster with Thomas. He has resorted to his behavior, trying to control her every move, demanding more time, telling her she has to be done with work and all her chores by 5:00. She is teaching 16 on line courses,cooking all the meals, taking care of the house and kids,the only one bringing in money (he does odd jobs when he can find them). He ties this all in with a perverted interpretation of a Christian marriage. The other night it really blew up. He said mean and hateful things to 2 of the boys. Avi came at him and raged at him, saying all the trouble he has caused all of them, screaming, crying. The middle son, Josh, called the police. In theory, he is supposed to be remanded to prison if he has any encounter with the law. These cops let it go.
He is now living in Carin's car. His choice because he can't stand to be in their presence. Carin told him he had to leave. And, if they had any chance at all, they needed to be in therapy. He refused that idea. He has nobody to take him in and will probably go to a shelter. Once again she said she is done.
I told her tonight that she sees the damage he is doing to the kids and, of course, to her. I begged her to stay strong and to prioritize them. The kids have been messes for years and they, truly, can't tolerate any more. Heart sick. She is very sad but sounds resolved to move on. But, she has sounded that way before.
This is so much to take in at in a short space of time. It's hard to hear all this from Deborah. I guess we never really know a person. It's sad. Really, a shock. You are a good friend.
And Carin... I hope she really knows who he is now and how it effects everyone. She needs to stay safe from him and get far away and find a way to keep him away. Sometimes people can't see the truth. I am sorry.
I love you Paula... and I am sorry for you to face these things. I am glad you shared.
I would give anything for Carin to move here. Technically,she could given her job is remote. She refuses to even consider it because she has so many bad memories of being raised in Virginia. I think she has equally bad Georgia memories but the childhood stuff often feels worse to people.
The last 2 years of my parents' lives, I made a conscious decision to love them like they had never been able to love me. They would have a puzzled face when they received kindness from me (not that I had been more unkind than any kid growing up but they certainly were unkind to one another) I saw them soften and almost seemed confused by it. It was such a healing time. I'm sure I've shared this before.
A couple years ago, I decided to do the same with Carin. She has made bad decision after bad. Her life view is so off and she has years of sadness that she masks with anger and impulsive acts. My sister and brother-in-law have never been supportive of her because of her choices and their consequences, especially on her 30 y/o daughter when she was raising her. Because she wasn't living a 'Godly' life, they continually cut her off. We were estranged for almost 10 years because I couldn’t handle the dumb, promiscuous, dangerous stuff she was doing. I regret that. My sister and bil moved to GA a couple years ago. They never once invited Carin and the boys over...it was too stressful on their dog. What??? My sister made her husband move back to VA after a year or so. He does anything she asks.
I'm sorry. This is just all too complicated. Bottom line, she has not made it easy to love her through everything. I've wanted to smack her more than once regarding her decisions, especially the impact on her kids. I don't sugarcoat my opinions but I will not abandon her like everyone else has repeatedly done. That's my goal, anyway. These cut-offs are what my family does. My dad and his siblings. My father and my brother, many times. My brother and his daughter for years! My sister and me 2 or 3x. My brother with me many times.
Lots of alcoholism. My mom and brother were sexually abused as kids (my grandfather and my uncle)
I know all families have their stuff but we're just a disaster. If my family came to me for help, I wouldn't know where to start! I shake my head when I realize that I'm the sanest one in the family. I've had tons of therapy and my career choice was not by accident.
I am glad Deborah and Karin both opened up to you. I'm so sorry it is not great news on either front. They love you and they trust you. I'm also glad to see that you realize it's not your job to fix things. That's a tough one. I know. Both of us want to solve problems for people we love - for them to not have them at all. One of the best things we can be for them in a "safe place to break".
You're there for them and we'll be here for you. Love you, Paula.
That was like one heartache after another tumbling on you, and there was nothing you could do, but listen. I'm so glad you are trained to "listen," but I know it's different when it affects you directly. I also wish Carin would pack up and move closer to you, since she teaches remotely. Couldn't she do that from anywhere? I know, though, she has to make that decision!
I'm sorry to read about your friend, Deborah. Oh, my!
When I got to the graphic concerning "fixing" things in your life, it's so true. Please, please, please, take the words to heart! (((Paula)))
I’m so happy Deborah has a friend like you to be there with her. I know it’s a lot , and I feel for you there but thank goodness she did talk to you instead of keeping it all inside. Scared.
I’m sorry for everything happening with her, Carin and all you are carrying right now.
That’s right. Some things are t meant to be fixed. I’m sure you did the right thing.
To read this Paula. I’m so glad Deborah has you for a friend. She is very lucky to have you in her life.
Hate that Carin is going through this nonsense with Thomas. I hope she stays firm and doesn’t let him move back in. I wouldn’t even want him in her car!
I like Delta’s idea of her and the boys picking up and moving closer to you! That would be wonderful.
dumped on you at one time. I know you are trained to listen to people, but when it is people you care about, it has to bruise your heart badly.
If all of Carin's work is online, I wish that she would just pack up the house, change her phone number, and find a place near you without letting him know anything. I know it is pipe dreams, but it would be good for you and her.
